Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
These tits shall not be calmed
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
