oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
