If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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