I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
