My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize