Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
