DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
