I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Sober January is a disaster.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
