She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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