I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
