I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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