You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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