hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
