I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
