Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize