Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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