You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
