Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize