im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize