I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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