3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize