last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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