we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
