waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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