I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
