and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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