Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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