i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize