I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
