i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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