I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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