I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I deserve this hangover.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
