I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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