you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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