You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
