do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
