Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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