fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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