I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
