My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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