so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
