she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sorry my hands just texted you
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
