She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
