Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
