Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
