he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
