i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
