Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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