I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
