Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
