My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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