i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
im holly from the hills drunk
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize