I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
