Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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